The above video is likely to be the most entertaining part of this post, so get your fill while you can.
I’ve just wasted close to an hour reading what programmers think about names with this “ancient” blog post, and I’ve got some thoughts.
After the jump.
First. Yes, I’ve got an uncommon name. Yes, I give people shit if they put the emphasis on the wrong syllable. Yes, my name is the Slavic cognate of Paul. Yes, I (jokingly) threaten with a stabbing anyone who calls me Paul. Yes, the following will seem condescending and offensive. Don’t care.
Second. The argument in the above post is largely a waste of time. The best thing I could get from it was that Laurie and Fry video. That’s about all. The user Robin suggested a wonderful workaround, and at this point everyone should have shut up and moved on with life:
I have built systems that go like this:
Name: [ ]
The database is UTF-8 aware, and the name does have a limit of 2MB characters. It can even be empty, and I don’t see anything wrong with that. We base our unique identifiers on email, which DO have a standardised set maximum length, and DO have a standardised set of characters.
This post is a little unnecessary.
If you have a boring name, an exciting name, a great ancestral name, a name that can only be represented by the sound a dying zebra makes during a full moon… that’s fine. I don’t care. As long as I don’t have to spend an hour trying to pronounce it, write it or write code to properly handle it, I really don’t care what you call yourself.
Programmers get paid to be lazy. That’s the truth of it. If we weren’t, then you’d be waiting in line at the Post Office to fire off that wonderful tweet about your last bowel movement.
Third. If you are Jeronimo from The Baroque Cycle and your full name is Excellentissimo Domino Jeronimo Alejandro Peñasco de Halcones Quinto, Marchioni de Azuaga et de Hornachos, Comiti de Llerena, Barcarrota, et de Jerez de los Caballeros, Vicecomiti de Llera, Entrín Alto y Bajo, et de Cabeza del Buey, Baroni de Barrax, Baza, Nerva, Jadraque, Brazatortas, Gargantiel, et de Val de las Muertas, Domino Domus de Atalaya, Ordinis Equestris Calatravae Beneficiario de la Fresneda… Then good for you. You can recite the last dozen of your ancestors. I can’t. Want someone to hold a parade for you?
If you want me to rattle off that string of characters every time I talk with you, thanks but no thanks, I’m punching you in the face and then getting a beer. Find another sap.
Thankfully, I haven’t met any people like this. Not yet. I’m met some strange fellas, people who want me to refer to them by some idiotic “honorific” or nickname (Maestro and Skipper come to mind) or by their cosplay name, but that’s still manageable and I don’t have to spend the remainder of my life with them, so I don’t care enough.
Fourth. Parents who name their kids Rainbow, Tu Morrow, Apple, Pilot Inspektor, Jermajesty, Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 or Adolf Hitler (or JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, from the same family) are idiots or assholes or are (really) reaching for some point. Or all of the above. They’re the reason I think a German approach to naming is a good idea:
By German law, a child’s name has to meet two conditions: (1) it must reflect the sex of the child, and (2) it must not endanger the ‘well-being of the child.’
Maybe it’s just me, but school-house bullying and generally getting picked on for a weird name that your crazy parent picked for you… that might be covered by point 2 above. Dunno, just a thought.
Apparently, some other people had similar thoughts, and thankfully I stumbled on this: 10 illegal baby names!
As an addendum (Four A, if you will), are the asshole parents who pick a conventional name with an unconventional spelling. Your child will have to correct people’s spelling of their name out for the rest of their life! Do you really not like your kid that much? Are you actually giving your kid a name reflective of their “personality” when you name them “Kymberleigh”? Or are you just being a fucking asshole?
Another addendum (Four B: I was taught in school to never have just one sub-bullet): Like so many in my situation, I have a coffee-name. That’s the name baristas write on a cup of coffee so someone else can call it out and make the experience seem more personal than it really is. I usually give them Sam or Nick. Same thing at the sammich counter at Whole Foods or the restaurant with a wait. There, simple solution. I don’t care about a complete stranger getting my name wrong while I’m trying to wake up with a jolt of caffeine. Don’t give a rat’s ass.
Now, finally, on an almost unrelated matter (hey, had to get a religious dig in here, didn’t I) but kinda segueing from the theme of “parents trying to brand their kids with an ideology right out of the womb”, I give you this marvel:
That’s it. What, you want more angry rants? Search YouTube for Bill Maher or Dennis Miller or Hitchens. Or “hitchslap”, those videos are hilarious and anti-religious.