Sure, maybe the phrase “religious nonsense” is an oxymoron, but until now I wouldn’t have pegged “religious micromanaging nonsense” as being one. OK, fine, there’s some fairly specific rules in religion:
- The Quran says something about praying five times a day in a specific direction
- There’s the whole infuriating business of Catholics not having meat on Fridays (infuriating because the cafe in college and again at Microsoft would serve fish on Fridays, and I’m not a fan of fish)
- Shabbat elevators. ’nuff said.
- Scientology (cult, religion, what’s the difference?) has something against therapy
- Hinduism has the whole cow fetish
- Every religion seems to hate pigs
But something was forwarded to me this morning that simply takes the micromanaging religious cake: What is the optimal Jewish toenail cutting algorithm?
…there is a tradition about not trimming toenails in sequential order.
There seems to be dissenting opinion on the precise application of this tradition, but we think that the following rules are sufficient to accomodate people whose religious practices prohibit cutting toenails in order:
- No two adjacent toenails should be cut consecutively
- The cutting sequence on the left foot should not match the sequence on the right foot
- The cutting sequence on two consecutive runs should not be the same. The sequences shouldn’t be easily predictable, so hardcoding an alternating sequence does not work.
What. The. Fuck.
And no, I’m not making this up. There seems to be actual language in the Torah about the order of cutting nails, which days it’s not OK to cut nails on, and the disposal of cut nails and what happens to pregnant women who walk on cut nails. (Spoiler: it’s a miscarriage.)
Gaahh!
